We had a quiz in Java class today. It was easy – I already know 99% of the material – but the test was on objects. This made me think about OO programming in general, which made me think about C++, which lead to yet another search for information on the efficiency of Vector objects, which led me to the C++ FQA, which finally convinced me that my inability to learn C++ was not because I’m a stupid idiot, but rather because C++ is a stupid language. (See, how I’m working my link theory in here…)The C++ FQA lead me through a string of usenet post, blogs, and finally to a wiki, which had a link to the story of Mel – a Real Programmer.

I wish I knew somebody like that. Somebody who has the capacity and focus to keep that quantity of logical information in their head. Even the best professors in my CS department don’t even come close. Really, the only person I know who even comes close to that kind of insane intelligence, is not even a programmer! (she’s an activist type, and her ability to manipulate huge annoying organizations while simultaneously have a perfect understanding of individual interpersonal relations – that sentence was intentionally complex – is strikingly similar to Real Programming. It’s Real Human Programming, if you will.)

Anyway, Mel is completely obsolete. He was obsolete when the article was written in 1983, and his few replacements are widely scattered. It’s not surprising. Even I, with my mostly self-taught student programming skills, could write a blackjack program, with full color graphics, a selectable win percentage, and a computer opponent that hurls insults at the player, in less than an hour! The skills Mel required to develop perfect software has long been made useless by faster computers, shorter deadlines, and a greater tolerance for software that ‘almost works’ (thank you Microsoft!) Even hardware development is dominated by huge test suites, complicated CAD tools, and large teams of people working in a well-lit environment, where they have weekly meeting to discuss goals and throw around buzzwords like ‘Agile’ and ‘Extreme Programming’. Mel is gone, and his replacements are faster, ‘happier’, and more like ordinary businesspersons.

In a strange way, though, I still want to be Mel. No, I don’t want to program a RPC-4000. I don’t want to use machine language. Heck, I don’t even want to use assembly any more than I can help! But I want to do clever things in ways that nobody can understand. Fuck documented, elegant, happy interfaces! I want to have loads of obscure knowledge in my skull, confident that I am doing things in the best way possible, regardless of appearances. I want to be the woman who hides in the dark back room of some company, performing vital, yet inscrutable tasks, who doesn’t have to explain to some manager why she’s doing it that way – just producing results. I want to accomplish things that couldn’t have been done any other way! It doesn’t even have to be a programming thing, or even a computer thing – it’s really about the sense of gruness, if you will.

I don’t suppose this will ever happen. Everybody wants accountability. Most cool things are too big for one, or even two people to build. And I have far too great a sense of community, of sharing, of teaching to ever really pull it off. But the appeal still remains.

I want to be a Real Programmer.